Friends in the battle of sexes

Remember the times when you dropped in unannounced and parked yourself at someone else's place for hours, talking and laughing on no topic of public importance and called that friendship? The Mustafa Mustafa days? Ok, those times are over. It was over when as a girl you had to qualify friends as “boy-friends” and “boyfriend,” just so that you are not blamed for polyandry. (adjust gender epithets to suit your needs) It was over when you had to address a random person as “bro,” just in case they develop interest on you or you on them. They can be reborn when one or both of you find partners in life and are quite content with their company that there is no need to peek outside. But, even then there is a very slight tease, a little poke waiting to develop into a nudge and then a grab. I don’t remember the last time I’d a conversation with a single male without them asking for my marital status. As space-y as I’m, I find that part of my life quite difficult to share with others, it is most definitely intrusive unless it comes up organically in a chat, which doesn't, when you think of it. In any case, which part of are you single/married/available/virgin not personal? Asking for a friend.

Note that, it is a general phenomenon and common to genders, though I have made an assumption on heterosexuality for the ease of writing. I see that the mood of the speaker changes with the response to the status of my love life. It is amusing, because, mostly we are strangers with slight acquaintance in social media and there is less likelihood of a happily-ever-after, all with our diverse backgrounds, tastes and outlooks to life. Yet, that question and its answer matters.  There is this compulsion to necessarily have a go at a seemingly single person of the opposite sex. If you are not single, heavens forbid, hell breaks loose for not having the courtesy to inform a rank stranger that you are indeed committed. It is not as if I was going to say 'yes' to you and "the one" fell from above and screwed it for all of us.  (Think "vaali" movie) 

Now, now, I’m talking about social media sites like FB, twitter as opposed to tinder, bharathmatrimony.com, type match-making arena. I am sure nobody died of casual flirting, but, pardon me, how does it help to make fraandship? With our pictures and status messages all over the internet, it is tricky to tell a stranger from an acquaintance from a friend. Add to this, the ignominy of text-based communication where every thought has to be worded to perfection to make some sense. And, to this, a battle of finding romance v. virtue signalling. So, there we go, drawing lines and boundaries, ensuring nobody comes close enough to go into personal matters, which I feel can end up as a messy affair for me, more than anybody.( I see that this pattern emerges even in groups when two of the gang members fall in love and the gang is split into two supporting either of them in case of a lover’s quarrel. I am fully in favour of love, but isn’t their romance a super-personal affair that can be kept out of the gang’s notice without offending them?)

Most damage, though, is done in one-to-one, impossibly ideal friendships. There was a time when I hated the thought of a friend calling me his crush, love of the life, moon of his sky and some such romantic profanity. I even assumed I was being a mean witch going around attracting innocent boys in my life with my, erm, witchiness? Turns out, it had nothing to with my looks or character. In fact, it had nothing at all to do with who I was with them. My mistake, if any, was giving my time, without realizing that I am taken advantage of. It is just that I was a friend who was a female, within their age group, and was in their line of sight when they were actively or passively scouting for a companion. I know it is not me because these friends, after the painful episodes of rejection, threats of loving forever and the dire ultimatums of keeping away, married within six months of the split-up. Then comes the veritable cycle of social media blocking, backbiting and all the resentment that comes with it, as if one can be forced into love or friendship. Naturally, as their erstwhile object of romance and subjective friendship, I was only happy to shed the tag and glad to see the friend move on. Soaked in the pool of unadulterated romance, I wonder if that friend even spared a thought for the other person in the relationship who has also suffered a loss. I lost a friend in this process – now, I don’t get a 6-months warranty and replacement assurance, do I?

The next obvious question is, can’t friends fall in love? Of course they can. But, is there a point when the feelings are not mutual and it leads to invisible pushing and pulling of hearts? I don’t think so. However, my question is plainer than that, can friends be friends, and just that, despite being individually super attractive, fully genius and absolutely sensitive? I think so, I have girl friends like that. We fight like rabid dogs sometimes, but yes, we are still friends.  So, the emphasis here really isn’t on friendships or light banters, is it? It has more to do with the fact these are people from different genders trying to gently play their part in the battle of sexes? I wonder why my marital status should have any import on a simple, random, fun, smart conversation between two adults. 

It is a simple question, probably worded harmlessly. Go ahead and tell this to a woman who is hearing it from all corners of the society on a routine basis that 'it is only a question.' Frankly, aunties and grandmas in weddings are much better in this front – surely, they ask you the same question, but they let you go as gracefully as they can when you don't want to be bothered.  Is it a psychological hall pass to say something witty or wild to a single woman as opposed to a committed/engaged/married woman?  Or is it some kind of marking of territory, where you don’t want to trespass on someone else’s territory of romance. I thought it would be in line with general decency to not bombard anybody with personal questions or pointed personal (read physical) remarks, unless the relationship is established.  I’d be very happy to have my display pictures display my own war-worn-face and not my I’mma-happy-wifey-made-for-each-other-super-jodi picture even when I am married. I’d be equally okay with having friends who are men even when I am married (!), provided their reason to befriend me has plainer motivations, like, friendship, or better still, no motivations. With so little time on earth, why bother assigning motivations and tags? 

Apologies for this super-cynical post, for it is boring to get into this hit-and-miss romance, gaslighting cycle feigned as friendship, or whatever it is called in this age of too much communication and too little personal space. It is genuinely tiring, primarily because there is none to point fingers at and none to grieve with and all this is such needless emotional drama. I'd be happy to be proven wrong, but it isn't anybody's job to prove anything to anybody. In matters of heart, people make straighter, uncomplicated, crazy decisions, with the intention of saving their rears first. Just like the person on the other end, I don’t feel euphoric brother zoning them, only that it feels silly to use an seemingly interested person for entertainment purposes. Neither am I trying hard to be a mysterious person who is uptight, it comes naturally. As presumptuous as it may sound, it is just that our expectations from each other are starkly different and I’d rather put on my self-preservatory, rude mask than the awkward, heart-break mask. Like I always say, one less person to cater to, is one less problem to deal with. Hail misanthropy!